Dirty, Sexy Money

With all the germs, bugs and viruses floating around out there, it’s no surprise our society is in a state of panic. The other day I received an email that made light of where your money goes; “Have you ever wondered if that $5 bill in your pocket was once placed into the butt crack of a stripper?” LOL… NO! But I do now!

I have a girlfriend who once worked at a racetrack. The money was passed under a blue light to check for counterfeit bills, but more than just the bill’s authenticity was revealed. It seems that virtually every bill in circulation has one or all three of the following things on it (in trace amounts of course): cocaine, ejaculate & tape. Tape? What’s up with the tape? Oh, maybe that’s how my $5 bill got stuck to the strippers’ ass!?

So last week I went shopping at SportMart for my son. I bought a few things, paid cash and then had to return one of the items a few days later. Problem #1 was that I had misplaced my receipt. Problem #2 is that I had paid cash so there was no way to track my purchase based on my name or credit card information. Luckily they were able to locate the sale transaction by the date of the sale and the amount of the sale, but it took them 15 minutes to validate the sale so the item could be returned.

So here’s the deal. Money is a pain. It’s dirty, and basically untraceable in the business world without a receipt. I’m beginning to embrace the concept of using my credit and debit cards more readily because I know for a fact that my cards have never seen the crack of a strippers ass before! I could also (if I were a germaphobe), use those trusty little handy wipes to clean my cards after every use.


The other option of course is to go the way of Howard Hughes and Michael Jackson by donning gloves 24/7/365, or launder my money with my load of socks each week. Just what I need around here…another load of laundry!

So when I look at money now, I see all the times it was used to buy drugs, stuck in a strippers butt crack, handed to a hooker after a hand job in the alley, or passed on to me in a business transaction after someone went to the bathroom and neglected to wash their hands afterward. Dirty money? Yes. Sexy?…Not so much!